Step One ACA Powerlessness Questions

2. Do I understand that the effects of family dysfunction mentioned in Step One are the Laundry List traits?

Yes, these are the reactions and dynamics and "survival traits" I developed as a result of growing up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family; these are the traits and behaviors and beliefs and modes of living that I am releasing in recovery, through recovery, that I am undoing, that I am giving up, that I am growing past, that are leftovers from my past, and which do not have to be part of my future.

These are the symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism that I picked up, and these are the effects that I am recovering from, relinquishing, with the help of ACA, 12-step work, my sponsor, and my Higher Power. These are things that don't have to be part of my life anymore. These are things I can be free of as soon as I make the decision to be so. And so I do.

Step One ACA Powerlessness Questions

1. How is powerlessness different than helplessness?

Powerlessness means that I am powerless over the actions of others, over the past, over the dysfunction that happened around me as a child, that I am powerless over the effects of growing up in an alcoholic and otherwise dysfunctional home, that I am powerless over the effects of trauma, child abuse, neglect, domestic violence, surviving a parental suicide, emotional abuse, and other childhood and family difficulties; powerlessness means I am not responsible for these things, I didn't cause them, can't cure them, and can't control them. It means I don't need to feel responsible for them, I don't need to feel bad for them, I don't need to feel ashamed because of them, I don't need to feel ashamed, defective, unloveable, damanged, "wrong", unworthy, ineffectual, or any other judgments because of these things, because they are not a statement about me, they are not a reflection of me, and I can stop reflecting them in my behavior, attitudes, and beliefs; I can stop being a reflection of these experiences. This means I am free to choose a new way of life; I am free to choose again; I am free from this moment on, I am free to free myself from these old shackles, I am free to release these old ways of being and reacting and thinking and behaving and believing and perceiving, I am free to be free, free to be me, free to leave all that behind, free to free myself from my old family dynamics, free to free myself from my family's past, free to be separate, free to be autonomous, free to choose my own identity and free to choose my own destiny.

Effectual

Effectual vs. Control

Until recently, I have been plagued most of my conscious life by a feeling of being ineffectual which has felt incredibly painful and I have had the pressing need to remedy and heal this part of myself. When I was very young, before I could even form full sentences, my mother said my favorite phrase was "Do by self!" that I didn't like people interfering with my sense of self-mastery. 

Until recently, I didn't know what this feeling of being ineffectual was about, where it came from. What had I failed so terribly at? I started to wonder if I felt I had failed at saving my Dad, he committed suicide when I was 6. I've heard that it's pretty much standard for survivors of someone else's suicide to feel responsible for the death and are plagued by guilt.

Step One Questions in ACA Workbook

6. Who was the perfectionistic parent or person in my family?

I don't know if my Dad was a perfectionist. He was certainly black and white about certain things, and a black and whiteness may have colored his viewpoint pretty thoroughly in fact. I can't really gauge the extent or ways of it since I was so young.

My mom was certainly very hard on herself for certain things, the way she looked (her weight - making lots of comments about how she was "too fat," and this seemed to be the root, on a surfact level, the scapegoat at least, for a lot of her self-esteem and other issues, feeling badly about her weight and blaming herself harshly and verbally being pretty critical of herself and at times making comments to me about my weight that felt unfair and mean, critical), the way she did things/performed (feeling apologetic that she didn't do something "well enough" when she actually did, as a way of being subservient or being insecure about how someone else was evaluating her performance, or feeling badly having bad self-esteem for truly not doing something "correctly," when really it's not a big deal not to do something "correctly," it certainly doesn't have to be a self-esteem issue, it doesn't have to be a statement that goes to the core of who my mom is and what she's worth! lol. that's extreme.

Step One Questions in ACA Workbook

5. Who was the emotionally ill parent or person in my family?

My Dad had Biploar disorder; my entire family was affected by the disease of alcoholism or para-alcoholism. My mom is codependent, my uncle is codependent, my brother and sister and I are codependent, my aunt and Dad were/are alcoholics, and also codependent. We have all acted controlling, crazy, manipulative, emotionally ill, have tried to get others to do for us what we could have done for ourselves. We have played God to each other, and have been little Gods. 

Step One Questions in ACA Workbook

4. Who was the militaristic, rigidly harsh parent or person in my family?

My aunt was rigid, she didn't like it when I played, laughed, smiled, or had fun; it seemed to bother her, hit her buttons, offend her, really trigger her, and she came down hard on me, dismissed me, yelled at me, scolded me, took out her anger frustration and accusations on me, belittled me and my behavior and my natural instincts. I was reading about the 2nd chakra and how rhythm is important to establishing a healthy 2nd chakra in a developing child. My aunt's criticism negativity seriousness harshness and compulsive need to control my happiness, spontaneity, cheer, fun, play, laughter, brightness, lightheartedness, amusement, enjoyment, play and happiness, I believe had quite an impact on my 2nd chakra development. 

Taking Care of Ourselves

How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics

p. 87-89

"Alcoholism is a threefold disease--physical, mental, and spiritual. Many of us have neglected our health on all three of these fronts, so our recovery from the effects of alcoholism must be threefold as well."

OUR MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH

"It is especially important to provide ourselves with with a place to express these feelings where we will receive the support and encouragement we need, such as a regular Al-Anon meeting at which we feel comfortable sharing. 

Anger

Tools to Deal with Anger

Running/jogging
Writing/journaling
Art/collaging/painting/sculpting/mixed media/film/installation/etc.
Yelling, screaming, moving
Free-form dancing, let what comes up come up
Just sitting and being with the feelings
Verbalizing what the anger is and is about
Calling someone, phone list

Working Step One in Al-Anon

Paths to Recovery (Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts)

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

• Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking? Another person's behavior?

On some level, I can see how part of me does feel responsible for my aunt's drinking, for her moods, for her unhappiness, and somehow part of me feels like, if I act the right way, she'll be happy and her problems will go away. That somehow her unhappiness is tied to me. When my aunt is moody, I feel like it's my fault, I feel like I did something wrong, and I feel guilty if I feel happy, I feel like I'm not allowed to be happier than those around me, and yet, if others are happy when I'm sad, I feel like I'm a downer and I don't want to bring others down, that I'm not allowed to be sad when others aren't.