1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking? Another person's behavior?
On some level, I can see how part of me does feel responsible for my aunt's drinking, for her moods, for her unhappiness, and somehow part of me feels like, if I act the right way, she'll be happy and her problems will go away. That somehow her unhappiness is tied to me. When my aunt is moody, I feel like it's my fault, I feel like I did something wrong, and I feel guilty if I feel happy, I feel like I'm not allowed to be happier than those around me, and yet, if others are happy when I'm sad, I feel like I'm a downer and I don't want to bring others down, that I'm not allowed to be sad when others aren't.
When I look at this step and this question, I can recognize it's telling me that my aunt's unhappiness and her drinking have absolutely nothing to do with me. To the extent that it may sometimes feel or look like her drinking/unhappiness somehow does have to do with me, I can recognize that I am allowed to be my own person, to be who I am and how I am, and that my aunt has choices about how she responds to me, about how she navigates anything that comes up in her life around the topic of me, and so, anything that looks like it has to do with me, still doesn't; it has to do with her.
I must continue to remind myself that my aunt has choices about how she responds to her life, and to me, and that those choices determine her happiness and her outcomes, not me.
- How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics, and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
This is a good reminder, that lol not everything has to do with me. When I stop to think about it, my family has mentioned a number of times that my aunt was a crabby moody person since she was very young; when she was growing up she was nicknamed "Sourpuss" because of it; so, this thing that I blame myself for, that I take on as my responsibility, as my shortcoming, as something wrong that I did, as something awful that I somehow am, is actually something that may just be inherent to my aunt's general mode of doing things and her innate temperament at this stage of her development. It also certainly has to do with he ways of dealing with things, and I remind myself that she has choices about how she deals with things, how she reacts, what perspective she takes, when and how and what changes she makes in herself as a result of her unhappiness (including choosing not to change).
This question helps me see that I do take it personally that she doesn't react the way I do, that I somehow feel that if she's not reacting like me (meaning, more keeping-the-peace, afraid of unrest in my relationships), that somehow I caused it, somehow I caused her to react the way she is -- this is interesting. I mean, not only does part of me think that I somehow made her unhappy, but I ALSO seem to think I actually CAUSED her to react a certain way -- this is really taking on a LOT of responsibility in a situation that I really don't have any control over, I really don't have one ounce of control over my aunt's behavior or her feelings or her reactions.
I feel apologetic, guilty, when she's mad, like making myself really small, and being really compliant, and trying to cheer her up, which is really crazymaking, considering she is literally choosing to be unhappy, she literally seems to prefer to be unhappy in life -- so, thinking that somehow it's my job and my role to make her happy, I'm really fighting a losing battle, and one that is quite misplaced. No wonder I feel ineffectual inside sometimes. I am ineffectual at things like this, and when I feel my job in life is to make other people happy, of course I will feel ineffectual.
So, what options do I have for my recovery? What options do I have so that I can feel effectual in my life and in myself? Well, first, I can recognize that I am not responsible for my aunt, for her behavior, for her life, for her feelings, for her reactions, for her circumstances, and I am certainly not responsible for, nor am I able to do anything about whatsoever -- her happiness level. I can work on accepting that my aunt prefers to be unhappy in the moments that she is unhappy, and that it is not my job to interfere with her wishes for herself - literally, I can be kind and loving toward her by becoming comfortable with and okay with her being unhappy, and becoming comfortable with and okay with recognizing that -- these are her wishes for herself! and it's literally rude, and meddling, and presumptuous, and mean-spirited, and controlling, and abrasive, and forceful for me to try to make her happy, to put myself in the position of deciding that she somehow needs to be happy, that somehow the world will fall apart if she's not happy. I am forcing my will on her, and it's not my place, and it's a serious boundary violation on my part. It's really controlling to want another person to feel a certain way, because it suits me, makes me more comfortable, etc. I am 29 and it's time for me to be concerned with myself, my own moods and happiness, and not with others and their chosen state. My aunt has every right to be as unhappy as she wants; it's her life, afterall. She can use it in any way she pleases, and it's really none of my business to go around thinking I know better than her what's good for her or what will be "right" for her (happiness). It must be very important for her life and her growth for her to be the way she is, because she's been that way for a very long time! Lol. Duh.
I really need to accept this. I will feel much more effectual when I do. And I will stop feeling controlled by her.
One thing I will need to work on in order to be able to do this effectively, is to be comfortable being happy when others aren't, and to be comfortable being happy specifically when my aunt isn't. This will be a little tricky and will take some work, some thought, some navigating, and some tact in my words etc. because my aunt likes to berate me and find things to blame me for when I'm happy and she's not; she likes to try to bring me down, and not only that, but to make me feel responsible for things that are not my responsibility, to make me feel that I caused her bad mood, her unhappiness, she will take something random that doesn't have to do with me, or something that has to do with her expectations (which are things which she chooses herself), and will blame me for them, and then I feel responsible for her unhappiness. So, I need to be prepared for this dynamic, and for what I will do when it comes up.
So, what options do I have for my recovery? What options do I have so that I can feel effectual in my life and in myself? Well, first, I can recognize that I am not responsible for my aunt, for her behavior, for her life, for her feelings, for her reactions, for her circumstances, and I am certainly not responsible for, nor am I able to do anything about whatsoever -- her happiness level. I can work on accepting that my aunt prefers to be unhappy in the moments that she is unhappy, and that it is not my job to interfere with her wishes for herself - literally, I can be kind and loving toward her by becoming comfortable with and okay with her being unhappy, and becoming comfortable with and okay with recognizing that -- these are her wishes for herself! and it's literally rude, and meddling, and presumptuous, and mean-spirited, and controlling, and abrasive, and forceful for me to try to make her happy, to put myself in the position of deciding that she somehow needs to be happy, that somehow the world will fall apart if she's not happy. I am forcing my will on her, and it's not my place, and it's a serious boundary violation on my part. It's really controlling to want another person to feel a certain way, because it suits me, makes me more comfortable, etc. I am 29 and it's time for me to be concerned with myself, my own moods and happiness, and not with others and their chosen state. My aunt has every right to be as unhappy as she wants; it's her life, afterall. She can use it in any way she pleases, and it's really none of my business to go around thinking I know better than her what's good for her or what will be "right" for her (happiness). It must be very important for her life and her growth for her to be the way she is, because she's been that way for a very long time! Lol. Duh.
I really need to accept this. I will feel much more effectual when I do. And I will stop feeling controlled by her.
One thing I will need to work on in order to be able to do this effectively, is to be comfortable being happy when others aren't, and to be comfortable being happy specifically when my aunt isn't. This will be a little tricky and will take some work, some thought, some navigating, and some tact in my words etc. because my aunt likes to berate me and find things to blame me for when I'm happy and she's not; she likes to try to bring me down, and not only that, but to make me feel responsible for things that are not my responsibility, to make me feel that I caused her bad mood, her unhappiness, she will take something random that doesn't have to do with me, or something that has to do with her expectations (which are things which she chooses herself), and will blame me for them, and then I feel responsible for her unhappiness. So, I need to be prepared for this dynamic, and for what I will do when it comes up.
- Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I accept this to an extent, I am still learning to evaluate this concept and whether I feel that it "fits" for me; I do, in a number of circumstances, feel it's helpful and clarifying. I want to accept this because it really fully makes sense to me, and not because someone is telling me to accept it -- I want the concept to actually make sense, I want it to add up correctly.
When I consider the situation from the perspective that alcoholism is a disease, I stop taking my aunt's behavior personally, I feel a huge amount of space between her actions and my feelings. I feel a lot less space between her feelings and my feelings, but that's okay, that can be a work in progress. I can really take a step back with this approach and not feel responsible for her actions, for her mood, for her condition, for her circumstances, for her chosen preoccupations and fixations and expectations. I can also feel more lovingly toward her, compassionately toward her, and more hopeful that her situation may some day improve -- that somehow, if I give up my need to make her happy, to have her be happy, that this may actually free up some energy in the universe through which, she may actually become happier, sooner. I am an eternal optimist and and I do hope at some point she does figure out how to be happy, but I do have a sense of peace now about it, that if she died just as unhappy as she is now, I would feel okay with that too. I mean, especially since I've only known her to be this unhappy.
When I consider the situation from the perspective that alcoholism is a disease, I stop taking my aunt's behavior personally, I feel a huge amount of space between her actions and my feelings. I feel a lot less space between her feelings and my feelings, but that's okay, that can be a work in progress. I can really take a step back with this approach and not feel responsible for her actions, for her mood, for her condition, for her circumstances, for her chosen preoccupations and fixations and expectations. I can also feel more lovingly toward her, compassionately toward her, and more hopeful that her situation may some day improve -- that somehow, if I give up my need to make her happy, to have her be happy, that this may actually free up some energy in the universe through which, she may actually become happier, sooner. I am an eternal optimist and and I do hope at some point she does figure out how to be happy, but I do have a sense of peace now about it, that if she died just as unhappy as she is now, I would feel okay with that too. I mean, especially since I've only known her to be this unhappy.
- How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
Well, when I tried to change others, part of what was happening, was that I wasn't wanting to change myself. I was wanting to change them instead of me, because changing me felt uncomfortable, and harder somehow... however, changing another person is certainly harder than changing myself, lol, since changing another person is literally impossible. I tried to keep my Dad happy, to help him feel okay, to reassure him I was loyal to him, I tried to make my mom take away the pain I felt inside by blaming her (that didn't work), I've tried to make my aunt happy, I've tried to make my uncle not be manipulative, I've tried to make my uncle deal with feelings, I've tried to "help" a lot of different people in my family; really what happened with most of these situations, was that I went about doing these things in confrontational and abrasive ways, ways that I now feel ashamed of. And, basically, I caused a lot of pain and drama and discord in those relationships and in my family that didn't have to happen. Although, I do think things happen how they're supposed to, and that that was the best I could do at the time, and I did end up getting the support and back-up from a therapist that I needed in the situation, to feel like I wasn't crazy, and that my parent figures really were not treating me well, and so some good did end up coming out of it.
When I try to change my aunt, I feel really bad about myself. So, note to self, don't try this anymore! It's helpful for me to remind myself in the moment with her, that she is choosing to be how she is, and also that alcoholism is a disease, and to remember to look at her from that perspective, to have the helpful distance between her and myself.
Maybe it's like my work with seniors who have Alzheimer's and dementia, there's still a person in there, buried underneath the disease, but it gets harder and harder to find that person a lot of the time, but that person still deserves to be treated with respect and love, regardless of their disease.
Maybe it's like my work with seniors who have Alzheimer's and dementia, there's still a person in there, buried underneath the disease, but it gets harder and harder to find that person a lot of the time, but that person still deserves to be treated with respect and love, regardless of their disease.
- What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I have tried to change my aunt, I have tried to make her happier, I have taken on the burden of her feelings and her actions and her unhappiness, thinking and feeling it was me causing it and that somehow I can change it, fix it for her. This was self-serving. I was trying to make myself happier, by getting her off my back. I was trying to keep her happy so that she wouldn't pick on me, bully me, scapegoat me, be mean to me, hurt me emotionally. I needed a mother, and I was willing to trade the few and far between scraps of mothering she would send my way for all the abuse and mistreatment. Well, no longer. I am willing to stand up for myself, and I have support and a better sense of how to take care of myself, now with Al-Anon.
I have also tried to make myself really little, to try not to upset my aunt, to try to act perfect, to try to do nothing wrong ever, to try to be pleasing and agreeable to others, especially my aunt (which, ironically, really seems to hit my aunt's buttons sometimes -- those damn happy people!), I have tried to change myself, to mold myself around my aunt, the situation, others, others' moods, the direction the situation seems to be going, try to keep the peace, try not to "cause" chaos, try not to rock the boat, try to be more and more exacting toward myself, try to be more and more "perfect" next time so as not to "cause" so much chaos and unhappiness (others' unhappiness, and disharmonious situations).
Interesting, so my perfectionism is partially tied to, trying to "fix" or heal or help my aunt, and probably others as well. That somehow, if I'm perfect, others will be happier. The truth is, others are probably less happy most of the time because of my perfectionism. I am afraid of the effect I have on my coworkers, and my not loving myself as much as I'd like has caused me to be unhappy, and has caused me to take my unhappiness out on others by blaming them for my unhappiness, which, ironically, is what my aunt did to me. Wow, the cycle is quick. So, recognizing that I don't need my aunt to be any way other than how she is, can help me and give me the strength to stand up to her and to bear whatever that will bring about.
It is unfortunate, I mean, it's harder to be happy around people who are unhappy, it's like their unhappiness wears off on me, but, I can choose how much time to spend around my aunt, if she is really affecting my unhappiness in that way.
I have blamed myself, been hard on myself, not accepted myself, thought I was "bad", thought I was damanged, thought that I caused everything I touched to turn bad, to have a problem to be defective, thought that I am shameful, that I cause things to be diseased and ugly, to not work.
The truth is, I am human, but most of the things that I have been hard on myself, blamed myself for, are things I can't do anything about, things I have no control over.
A better way to get my needs met would be to tune into myself, to recognize what I'm feeling, to validate myself, to validate my viewpoint and my feelings and actions, to reach out to others who would understand (Al-Anon, etc.), and to center myself, and to ask God for guidance and for her will for me, and be willing to carry that out. To be my own inner-mother, to take care of my feelings and my rights, and to stand up for myself, to create change in myself and my life by changing my part of my relationships with others, to have the strength to stand up to my family and to others who may not treat me well, to others who may bully me. To go through the emotions that will come up when the situation feels chaotic, the adjustment period in my relationship with my aunt, to deal with the distance that may end up being there permanently in that relationship for all I know. My uncle may also have some words for me when I do this. And so, I will need to be prepared to deal with whatever rift of distance or issues that may bring up in my relationship with my uncle.
So, I can see why this felt so scary, when I didn't do this before -- I mean, do I feel ready to lose a mother-figure and a father-figure, potentially? Well, the answer is, at some point, I have no choice if I really want to move forward in my life, to have a sense of dignity, to heal my self-esteem, to be a grown-up, to feel like a real adult inside, to feel mature and strong and stable inside, to have a firmness in myself, to feel firm inside, to feel real and strong inside, to feel like a real person. I have no choice if I want the happiness and strength that I am entitled to.
I have also tried to talk to other people instead of directly to the alcoholic, and have gotten a number of people involved when really it is between me and the alcoholic. Taking a direct approach will be the most effective.
Interesting, so my perfectionism is partially tied to, trying to "fix" or heal or help my aunt, and probably others as well. That somehow, if I'm perfect, others will be happier. The truth is, others are probably less happy most of the time because of my perfectionism. I am afraid of the effect I have on my coworkers, and my not loving myself as much as I'd like has caused me to be unhappy, and has caused me to take my unhappiness out on others by blaming them for my unhappiness, which, ironically, is what my aunt did to me. Wow, the cycle is quick. So, recognizing that I don't need my aunt to be any way other than how she is, can help me and give me the strength to stand up to her and to bear whatever that will bring about.
It is unfortunate, I mean, it's harder to be happy around people who are unhappy, it's like their unhappiness wears off on me, but, I can choose how much time to spend around my aunt, if she is really affecting my unhappiness in that way.
I have blamed myself, been hard on myself, not accepted myself, thought I was "bad", thought I was damanged, thought that I caused everything I touched to turn bad, to have a problem to be defective, thought that I am shameful, that I cause things to be diseased and ugly, to not work.
The truth is, I am human, but most of the things that I have been hard on myself, blamed myself for, are things I can't do anything about, things I have no control over.
A better way to get my needs met would be to tune into myself, to recognize what I'm feeling, to validate myself, to validate my viewpoint and my feelings and actions, to reach out to others who would understand (Al-Anon, etc.), and to center myself, and to ask God for guidance and for her will for me, and be willing to carry that out. To be my own inner-mother, to take care of my feelings and my rights, and to stand up for myself, to create change in myself and my life by changing my part of my relationships with others, to have the strength to stand up to my family and to others who may not treat me well, to others who may bully me. To go through the emotions that will come up when the situation feels chaotic, the adjustment period in my relationship with my aunt, to deal with the distance that may end up being there permanently in that relationship for all I know. My uncle may also have some words for me when I do this. And so, I will need to be prepared to deal with whatever rift of distance or issues that may bring up in my relationship with my uncle.
So, I can see why this felt so scary, when I didn't do this before -- I mean, do I feel ready to lose a mother-figure and a father-figure, potentially? Well, the answer is, at some point, I have no choice if I really want to move forward in my life, to have a sense of dignity, to heal my self-esteem, to be a grown-up, to feel like a real adult inside, to feel mature and strong and stable inside, to have a firmness in myself, to feel firm inside, to feel real and strong inside, to feel like a real person. I have no choice if I want the happiness and strength that I am entitled to.
I have also tried to talk to other people instead of directly to the alcoholic, and have gotten a number of people involved when really it is between me and the alcoholic. Taking a direct approach will be the most effective.
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