Until recently, I have been plagued most of my conscious life by a feeling of being ineffectual which has felt incredibly painful and I have had the pressing need to remedy and heal this part of myself. When I was very young, before I could even form full sentences, my mother said my favorite phrase was "Do by self!" that I didn't like people interfering with my sense of self-mastery.
Until recently, I didn't know what this feeling of being ineffectual was about, where it came from. What had I failed so terribly at? I started to wonder if I felt I had failed at saving my Dad, he committed suicide when I was 6. I've heard that it's pretty much standard for survivors of someone else's suicide to feel responsible for the death and are plagued by guilt.
But coming to Al-Anon it makes a lot more sense, because I can see that I have felt a sense of responsibility for other people's happiness, including my dad's, but also including other family members, co-workers, friends, housemates, etc. Pretty much the people around me, in my sphere. And also, responsible for what happens to me, like, what job I have, and the details of my life. Yes, I have some power to change the details of my life, I can apply for new jobs, etc, but ultimately God decides which jobs I get accepted to etc, so these details are not things I can blame myself for entirely like I did before.
Realizing through Al-Anon all the things I am NOT responsible for, and gaining the strength and perspective to set some healthy boundaries, I notice this feeling of being ineffectual seems all but gone, and I am realizing how powerfully other people in Al-Anon have affected and helped me, and I realize that I must be doing this for them too. Through God we are all made effectual. Of course. I just wasn't letting God work through me before. How wonderful to have come into this new space in Al-Anon and to be able to experience this. Thank you.
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