6. Who was the perfectionistic parent or person in my family?
I don't know if my Dad was a perfectionist. He was certainly black and white about certain things, and a black and whiteness may have colored his viewpoint pretty thoroughly in fact. I can't really gauge the extent or ways of it since I was so young.
My mom was certainly very hard on herself for certain things, the way she looked (her weight - making lots of comments about how she was "too fat," and this seemed to be the root, on a surfact level, the scapegoat at least, for a lot of her self-esteem and other issues, feeling badly about her weight and blaming herself harshly and verbally being pretty critical of herself and at times making comments to me about my weight that felt unfair and mean, critical), the way she did things/performed (feeling apologetic that she didn't do something "well enough" when she actually did, as a way of being subservient or being insecure about how someone else was evaluating her performance, or feeling badly having bad self-esteem for truly not doing something "correctly," when really it's not a big deal not to do something "correctly," it certainly doesn't have to be a self-esteem issue, it doesn't have to be a statement that goes to the core of who my mom is and what she's worth! lol. that's extreme.
My uncle was the obvious perfectionist in my family; he was and still is a self-proclaimed and proud workaholic, and sees his perfectionism as a great, wonderful quality. Underneath it, I think his perfectionism and his workaholism are very closely related, and I think they may have to do with a strong need for validation and approval which are probably not just the result of being raised in a military family, but also a secondary result of the kind of sexual relationship (or lack thereof) he has with his wife, my aunt. Their seemingly sexless marriage, and his general fidelity toward my aunt, has left him, I think needing far too much approval and validation which he has sought through his job, working extra hours, taking on extra tasks, working on paid holidays, and other things that really seem "crazy" to me, that really eek of something amiss and kind of odd. In the way where I'd be embarrassed to be seen doing those things, and he does them compulsively.
My uncle is also a virgo, and he thinks of everything that could go wrong in a situation, and all the negatives about the situation, before cautiously giving a small amount of approval or positive advice about something or a situation. His general comments about things are also very negative, seemingly often making slights toward others which he doesn't recognize because his negative gloomy gray bent on life is so normal he doesn't see it, and jumps on me when I point it out to him.
My uncle didn't give me lots of positive feedback about things I really excelled at growing up, like school, sports, the social area of my life, creativity, and other things. I do believe he gave positive feedback to my sister and brother about these things, which they often didn't excel at quite as much. He did give me what he saw as positive feedback about being female, but which I found offensive, once again I feel a virgo sort of trait -- lots of "shoulds" and expectations in his statements and this rosy idea of what a woman is or should be which felt really uncomfortable to me. My uncle is a self-proclaimed chivalrous person, which could be considered offensive by many modern women, but my uncle is proud of this part of himself.
I think I get a lot from my uncle. I have been a workaholic, schoolaholic, overachiever, and a person who avoids romantic relationships at times, and I notice a similar dynamic I have between work, romantic relationships, school, and general achievements. My sense of self-esteem is tied both to my ability to have healthy relationships, including romantic relationships, and also to my job, my ability to provide for myself and to have a career that matches me.
My aunt was very critical of me growing up, correcting me, criticizing me, scolding, berating, belittling, ignoring, pushing aside, degrading, scapegoating, and she particularly didn't like when I had fun, laughed, was lighthearted, playful, silly, giggled, smiled, was happy, or childlike. I learned to feel that these bothered her, or maybe it was that she just couldn't relate on a surface level because she didn't allow herself these things. Either way, she was quite harsh on me.
My sister and I are both self-identified perfectionists. My sister was a schoolaholic, and an overachiever, and also avoided socializing and having fun in lieu of reading, and being smart.
I have been hard on myself about many areas of my life, my looks, my intelligence, my understanding of things, my level of personal growth, my level of integration, my friends, my job, my romantic life, my relationships with my family, etc. I've felt a need to "master" everything, to be above average and in fact one of the "tops" in each category, and yet even when I achieve a high level in one of these areas, I don't usually feel happy and fulfilled... it's kind of hard to figure out what I feel when that happens. I feel an intellectual understanding of doing well, and I think I feel a lot of pressure to "keep up" the high level I've achieved, and also a lot of judgment toward others who may fall into a different category than me in that particular life area. I feel a lot of stress, worry, doubt, and anxiety when I achieve highly. I feel vulnerable and shaky, intellectually thinking that I should be "okay" now, "in the clear" somehow (from what, I'm not sure?) somehow that I am acceptable, am able to be accepted by others now, that I am the "right" way; I think I feel insecure at this point of achievement because I feel like, "hey, I'm how I should be, I'm the "right" way!" except there's part of me that is unsure of this ~ unsure of whether it really is the "right" or "best" way to be, or whether it's really the way I want to be, and whether it's really the way others "want" me to be. Insecure about others' reactions to me. Because really, when I feel a need to outachieve others, this means on some level I have a need to feel better than them, "in order to feel good enough," "in order to feel equal" ~ and this is a contradiction, and leads me to being very harshly judgmental toward myself and others. I feel almost like a paranoia when I achieve my goals, I feel disconnected from others and the world around me, and isolated; I don't feel like others have the same types of personal goals as me, and instead of feeling connected to others the way I do in 12-step work and at meetings etc, I feel separate, apart, and frankly, on the one hand this was part of the goal (to be "The Best"), and on the other hand, the goal was an attempt to feel "good enough" and part of feeling good enough includes feeling connected to others, feeling part of the human race, being able to join others, to enter into what I perceive others as already being part of. So, separating myself out and being "The Best" actually doesn't add up, hold water, as a way to feel connection to others or as a way to join the world. My idea that I need to be "good enough" before I can enter into relationships, before others will like me, before I'm "okay", keeps me separate from the world and from others, and yet, my "way" of remedying this is to be "good enough" by being "better than others" which ironically, also makes me feel separate and not connected to the world around me or to others, and also doesn't make me happy. WOW!
This perfectionistic part of me has caused me to push myself really hard at work, school, and in other areas of my life, and has caused me not to love myself or like myself or feel satisfied with myself or find myself worthy or good enough or loveable. When I push myself, there is a very harsh voice in my head telling me "I "just" need to do this -" or I "just" need to do that -" and then I'll feel good, be loved, be loveable, be worthy, be happy, be good enough, be enlightened, whatever the end goal is, whatever the promise is. This voice causes me not to love myself though, not to accept myself as I am, ironically. The message is that if I do these things, I'll be "good enough," but the path I'm being told to follow to get there inherently creates the opposite and causes me to feel the opposite... this is very tricky!
So, when I feel like I have to "do" a certain thing, or "be" a certain way, in order to _____ (fill in the blank), this is a sign I need to sit still with myself and just be with myself, to accept myself as I already am, where I am, how I am, and recognize how loveable I already am, and to recognize that I already love myself immensely, I just haven't let myself love myself because I was afraid I wasn't allowed! I'm so great though!! I really do love myself! I'm great! I'm wonderful! I'm one of my favorite people in fact! I approve of myself immensely! I'm great! I'm wonderful, and soo deserving of love, and of others' love! Woohoo go me!
No comments:
Post a Comment